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i'm a year's supply of words for no one else

Sep. 30th, 2012

12:03 am - ain't that how it always seems to go, how it goes, how it goes?

I wonder if that ability to be fully present and love the air, sky, molecules around me has ended. The time where everything feels rich and magical. Do adults lose that? Is that a superpower of adolescence?

I would like to stop living in a fuzz in my head. I would like to be more selfish. and figure out how I can exist more.

more walking, please.

Current Music: Caroline Smith and the Goodnight Sleeps - Tanktop

Mar. 4th, 2012

02:44 pm - in a way that I want to be kissed forever more

sick of medication that makes me drowsy and not able to do work. and of my body not wanting to work on Sundays (dear body, we are going to celebrate the Lord's day on Saturday now, okay?) And sick of not necessarily having all the nutrients I need so that I can do work (Iron, get in me.)

Current Mood: if I might take a chance
Current Music: Internally - The Crystals - Then He Kissed Me

Jul. 18th, 2011

03:47 pm

I don't know, maybe I could do this all again. Maybe I can go out into the world and live beautifully. I just need the headphones and a bike.

Current Mood: gray skies.
Current Music: Mimicking Birds - Burning Stars

Apr. 21st, 2011

01:43 pm - It doesn't matter what they say, I know I'm going to love you anyway

I'm not totally sure all the details of what happened and I don't necessarily need to. I think that you wanted to connect with me - make sure I got to know all the parts of you, something we would have normally had more time to do. I've loved getting to know the younger you.

I'm glad you don't have all the answers and weren't perfect, because I'm the same way. You being imperfect gives me permission to be imperfect - something that has been hard for me to accept.

We both have had huge things that have interrupted our lives and I'm glad we were able to share those things with eachother. I don't have the same confusion around putting together years of my childhood and connecting them to who I am now. It doesn't feel horribly weird to look at pictures of myself as a kid anymore. I think getting to know you as a teenager has helped in some way that I don't understand. Maybe it makes you a full person? instead of the parent-knows-all/best.

I'm still grateful that I hear you in my voice and sometimes see you in my face.

As for him, I have to work on forgiving him for his imperfection too. Getting to know him as a whole person has been hard. His mistakes hurt. It has been nice to see him as a thoughtful, loving, sweet person. Someone who works with words at times instead of actions. I'm working on it.

Help me to be more forgiving and more bold in my present.

Current Mood: for me
Current Music: The Shirelles - Baby It's You

Mar. 2nd, 2011

09:34 am - just bow your head and pray

I've been talking to other people on okcupid, but honestly, the thought of pursuing anyone but you is terrifying. Just so you know.

Current Mood: them's got ears
Current Music: Billy Bragg & Wilco - Airline To Heaven

Feb. 4th, 2011

05:45 pm - composed using speech to text so they are probably mistakes

I'm realizing that a lot of the things I miss it so its good then I'm going on this but I'm also missing the way that music makes me feel like I'm exploding inside good way. I think I've also forgotten to realize that I'm not having any fun. I've been so focused on getting my needs met. not necessarily good ways. but I've been so focused on trying to feel peace but there are other ways I can feel more alive.

Posted via LjBeetle

Jan. 21st, 2011

10:52 am - wake up, wake up

Taking steps towards filling out the rest of myself. I have to trust that I'm still a beautiful person. I still have complexities. Maybe each day I'm cutting back on the things that let me zone out a little more.

It's hard to imagine a life of stability and curiosity, but I know I can do it. Maybe I need to do more keeping in touch with myself instead of allowing my mind to drift away in the stupid things that pass the time. I just don't want to push myself too hard and fall down further.

I want to make life full again.

Current Mood: let's do this.
Current Music: The Avett Brothers - Colorshow

Dec. 25th, 2010

11:16 pm - there's nothing I could do or say to make it all okay

Driving home tonight I was composing an email to you in my head but I've decided it's not fair to send to you. And I don't know how to say it. And I don't understand any of it either. What I do know is that... I'm still really sad and angry that all the pieces didn't fit together because I really want them to. I don't feel like trusting that I'll figure it all out and that things will be how they are supposed to be.

I call up friends sometimes and ask them to reassure me that there's nothing I can do. Sometimes I dream up big grand movie-like gestures in my head of ways I could tell you how I feel about you, but I know that in real life they never really work out that way.

I don't want you to be some person that just walked through my life, but I don't want you to sink to the level of a friend. I just want the person I know better than anyone else in the world and who knows me more than anyone else back. and learn all the new things about you from the past 6 months. I wish I could ask you to reevaluate everything with me, throw all our cards on the table and see if we've still got enough matches.

I just really hate that I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I just don't know if I can give you up yet. Until I hear directly from you that this. is. definitely. over.

Sorry. This junior-high-like post isn't really fair either.

Dec. 23rd, 2010

08:42 pm

Fill me with peacefulness, love, trust, and belief that there is more.

Current Music: All Songs Considered - Christmas Episode

Dec. 3rd, 2010

01:58 pm - making something new, but calling up those old feelings of excitement

getting excited about winter. the cold that feels really honest and new. the empty trees and grey sky (or sometimes blue and bright). the gloves and snuggling and cars that take a little too long to warm up. cold cheeks and scarves that get moist from being breathed on. trying to tickle people through layers.

Current Mood: onward march
Current Music: Neutral Milk Hotel - Marching Theme

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